


My Life Through Alex

by The_Hidden_Oracle4234



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: A Bit Not Good, Angst, Blood, Cutting, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Not Beta Read, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Teenage Alex, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 04:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12573796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hidden_Oracle4234/pseuds/The_Hidden_Oracle4234
Summary: Alex cuts again after three weeks and it's not good.





	My Life Through Alex

**Author's Note:**

> This is an unhealthy fic about self-harm.

_Alex gripped the glass tightly in his fist. The small, sharp shard came from a glass bottle he'd stolen from his AP Chem class._

The day started out good, great even. Alexander was happy and okay. until he wasn't.

The strong urge to cut suddenly overwhelmed him. He promised himself he'd cut, except for one thing, he didn't have his usual tool.

So he had to get creative.

Alex normally cut with a glass shard he found on the sidewalk a few months ago. He's unconventional and reckless. It's fine.

He hadn't cut in three weeks so there was no reason to bring his 'friend' to school that day. Then, upon arriving on campus, he really needed to cut. Really bad. For no apparent reason.

Alex came up with a plan.

First-period Chemistry had a lot of glass to choose from. All he had to do is steal some. Granted, it wasn't the safest thing, but fuck it. Lucky for Alex, they had a substitute. He smiled to himself when he walked into the class, spotting a different teacher occupying the room.

Step one: pick a target. The tall, skinny bottle on the counter flushed against the wall would be perfect. Small and portable. Ish. It's fine. 

Hamilton planned to snatch it at the end of class when all the students were meandering around the room.

An hour and a half later, Alexander saw his opportunity. The bell had rung, signaling a school-wide passing period. Student hurried to the door to escape. A stampede was born. Slipping through the stream of kids, blending in with the crowd. Alex reached out his arm, fingers clamped around the neck of the cool glass. He pulled it towards him, shoved it in his pocket, and scurried out with the other pupils.

Step two: break it. Hamilton walked with the crowd heading towards their next class. He tapped the bottle through his jeans, anticipation rising. Alex sped up, eager to drop off his bag in the second period. Though before he rounded the corner, he spotted one of his friends. Dark, curly hair shoved messily in a ponytail, a bright smile lighting up the halls, freckles speckling his caramel skin was John Laurens. 

Alexander wondered what John would think of him now. Sneaking off in the dark like an addict to indulge in some questionable behavior. Would he hate him? 

_Probably..._

Of course.

John didn't see him. For that, Alex was grateful. He knew he wouldn't have been able to hurt himself if John knew. 

Laurens grew distant in the crowd and Alex turned the corner to his class.

His teacher gave him a warm smile when he stepped over the threshold. Nobody was here yet besides the teacher. Jefferson and Madison's seats were empty. Thank God. He didn't want to deal with them either right now.

The boy laid his bookbag on his chair, turned, and left the way he came, narrowly missing the rush of students through the door. He swore he saw an afro in the crowd.

The halls were emptying, children pouring into class. Once the coast was clear, Alex pulled the bottle from his pocket and casually walked to the Nurse's office. The bathroom there was way nicer than the student bathrooms. Also, it created a more secluded environment perfect for cutting.

Brilliant.

_Indeed._

Hamilton tossed the bottle in the air, then caught it in his right hand. Got to make it look like an accident in case anyone was watching you know.

Throw.

Catch.

Throw.

Catch,

Throw.

Catch.

Throw.

"Miss."

It fell to the ground with a dull thud. Didn't break. Damn. Alex groaned loudly and grabbed the bottle. He'll give it another shot. Getting real close to the office. Only a few doors away.

Throw.

Catch.

Throw.

Catch,

Throw.

Catch.

Throw.

"Miss."

_Crash_

The bottle exploded on the ground, shards scattered across the floor. He smiled bitterly and began picking up the pieces. Most of it he puts in the trash. He pockets one piece and continues his journey to the Nurse.

Alex walked into the office, nodding to the nurse, and into the restroom. Sitting on the toilet, he pulled down his pants and studied his thighs. They were littered with old scars, pink and silver lines. Deep and thin.

He gripped the shard tight, fingers white. Hamilton sniffed and exhaled shakily. His hand started to shake.

Maybe he shouldn't. He could go to class like nothing happened. 

He could be okay.

_No. Do it. You came all this way._

_You know you want it._

He really did want it. Alex gritted his teeth and pressed the glass into his skin.

_Do it you coward!_

Alex roughly dragged the shard across the skin of his right thigh. He gasped as beads of blood bloomed from the cut.

Holy fuck he actually cut.

_I can't believe you just did that._

_What the fuck?! You were doing so well._

Shame bubbled up inside him. He broke his streak.

_You should be punished._

Alex agreed and moved on to his left thigh. Droplets of blood trickled down his leg and fell to the floor. 

He needs to remind himself what he is.

_Yes._

Hamilton again pressed the glass into his skin and slowly dragged it, slicing his thigh. He moved his 'friend' around, shaping letter as if designing a cake. It stung terribly and he cringed but pushed on. Going deeper.

More. More. Almost there.

Okay. 

He was done. Alexander took a moment to admire his handiwork. It was a little hard to read. His hand smudged blood over the letter, darkening his skin.

But, _Alex_ knew what he wrote. What he is.

 _Failure._  

Hamilton sighed in relief, pocketed the shard, stood, and pulled up his pant. The wet blood squished against his jeans. Little red dots appeared on the fabric. One wouldn't have noticed unless they were looking for it. Who would be?

Alexander exited the bathroom and office to go back to his second period. He didn't have the mental capacity to pay attention to AP Government so he'd probably zone out.

Maybe.

He loves AP Government, it's his favorite class, but right now he has zero energy to listen to Mr. Monore or debate with Jefferson. Alex looked at his watch. Class started fifteen minutes ago. The teenager burst into a run, determined to not miss any more instruction.

Two lefts and a right later, Hamilton was panting in front of the door. He turned the knob and sheepishly entered the room. Mr. Monroe paused in the middle of his lecture on the first Constitutional Convention and eyed him with scrutiny. The class was quiet in their judgment, except Jefferson who scoffed. Alex smiled awkwardly and rushed to sit down where he left his bag.

Heads followed him until he was seated. Jefferson rolled his eyes and turned around. Mr. Monroe pursed his lips but continued with class. Alex could breathe freely again now that the class lost interest in him. That's good.

He blinked a few times and leaned back in his seat. Staring at one spot on the board he began to fade out, Mr. Monroe became white noise as he droned on, Alex's limbs went numb and he was gone. Reflecting in his head.

Alexander cut himself in the restroom. He broke his streak. Three weeks gone.

Oh well.

Bottle from Chemistry class. Innovative.

Cut in the Nurse bathroom. Funny how he went to the Nurse to cut.

Alex cut his thighs. One cut on his right thigh.

 _Failure_ on his left. It's all he seems to be.

Laf and Herc would be disappointed.

_Of course! Why wouldn't they be?_

_You weak fuck!_

John would be disappointed and angry.

_You're so fucking stupid! You'd piss him off._

_Everyone is disgusted by you. Repulsed._

_You deserve it._

_All of it._

_Cut. You deserve more cuts._

The shame.

_FEEL THE FUCKING SHAME ALEXANDER_

I am.

_Good boy._

_I believe a punishment is in order._

_After class, you cut._

_For bothering others and being the biggest disappointment they know._

_You will cut after class._

_You will not eat._

_You will not be with your friends._

_They don't deserve you forced on them._

_Don't be selfish Alex._

Alex let out a shuddering breath. He'll cut himself after class.

_Slash_

_Slash_

_Slash_

_Slash_

_Slash_

_Slash_

_Slash_

_Slash_

_Slash_

_Slash_

Until his thighs are drenched in his blood and tears.

 

 


End file.
